On this day, I had just found out that they had hired on full time another temporary person instead of me, again. I was devastated. I had been promised the position time and time again. I had even been there longer...putting in my time, with no benefits or insurance...I was waiting for this and they had broken their promise yet again. This was also during a time when it was extremely difficult to find work. Especially in a marketing type creative position. Creative talent seemed to be a dime a dozen so that's why I was holding on so tight to getting a full-time position with this company. Hoping for some kind of stability in my mostly unstable life.
When I heard the disappoint of me not getting hired again, I tried to contain myself. I finished the project that I was working on and then in the most composed manner I could, I walked to the restroom where I locked myself inside a stall and bursted into tears. I don't know why but for what seems like my entire life, showing emotional weakness in front of anyone was not an option for me. I was supposed to be the strong one. But trying to keep up an act that things don't really bother me, and I can just brush them off, was exhausting... And this time I couldn't hide it. I found myself inside of this stall, completely broken, humiliated, and unable to stop crying. Why had this happened again?! What was I doing wrong?! I thought I was working very hard and putting in overtime whenever they asked. I knew more about our programs than some of the other people they hired. It wasn't fair! My sobs were relentless and trying to hold them in quietly was nearly drowning me. And that's how I felt at this point about everything in my life, like I was drowning.
At this time, I had lost my faith some time ago. But I found myself in that stall questioning the only other thing I could think of... "God, why? God, why?" I repeated over and over again through silent sobs. I felt so completely helpless... as it was now obvious that their promises were empty and I felt so angry, betrayed, and taken advantage of ...I had put in over a year at this place where I watched my hard work and effort get passed up over and over again. I didn't know what to do..."Help me. Help me." I cried.
We were only allowed 15 minute breaks and I knew at this point that I had been in there at least that long. But I couldn't go out there and face them. I couldn't show the weakness and rejection I felt. I couldn't let them see me like that.
I needed to get out of there! I needed fresh air. So I wiped away my tears and smudged makeup the best I could and walked to my desk where I grabbed my iPod, and clocked out for lunch. I spent almost every break walking outside, rain, snow or shine. I wasn't near any windows where my cubicle was placed and I needed sunlight. So I went outside and walked on my normal route. Our building was in the middle nowhere, in a newly developed area on the edge of town. There were few other buildings close, and they had just finished building a sidewalk to a main street about a mile away.
I turned my iPod on shuffle and began to walk and breath and try to calm myself. I really wasn't paying attention to what was playing out of the 500 songs on that thing. I was just trying to not think about anything at all.
So here is the part this story has been leading up to. The weirdest, craziest thing happened. I got to the end point of the sidewalk, and turned around and began to walk back.
Suddenly, for some reason, I tune into the music that is playing and hear Kenny Roger's The Gambler playing in my ear. He sings "I can see you're out of Aces" and at that exact moment, I happen to look down in the grass, next to the same sidewalk I had passed by earlier and didn't notice anything.
There is a pair of Aces, lying in the grass... this pair of Aces...
To this day, I keep this pair of Aces on my dresser where I look at them everyday, and am reminded that I'm never out of Aces. Even when it seems like I am, there is a purpose for everything. Had I gotten the insurance company job that I wanted so much at the time, I know I would not be where I am today. And what I thought seemed so devastating... was actually a blessing that was all part of a much bigger plan...
I'll never know how those aces got in the grass next to an empty lot on the edge of town,... or how I missed them the first time I walked by... or how I just happened to pay attention to the words "I can see you're out of Aces" at the exact time that I look down and found the Aces in the grass...
The truth is that "how" doesn't really matter, but believing things happen for a reason, does.
